The more I come to know and understand myself, the more I appreciate the wonderful, intricate beings humans are — whether at their worst or their best. Our complexity sets us directly in relationship to the Universe — no, maybe more than that. It shows we are in unity with this Universe.
Yet as complex as we are, simple things move us, motivate us, and give us clarity as we evaluate ourselves and our place in the Universe. We see complexity as simplicity. A beautiful pink hyacinth enchants the eye with its delicate, curlicue petals and fills the olfactory sense with sweetness; it calms our whole being. This simple flower, though, contains many specific cells for photosynthesis to occur, for nutrients to be transported to growth areas, for waste to transpire, and for so much more — all of these we cannot see with the naked eye even though most of us know these minute units exist within the flower. On any given day walking past one and inhaling its fragrance, it’s that simple unit we call hyacinth that makes us dream, imagine, calms us, and pleases us. We don’t need to see or think about the complexity — just the simple beauty. So it is with ourselves, the most complex living organism on the face of the earth yet we, most of us anyway, yearn for simplicity. I truly don’t know if I think of us as beings of simplicity overlaying complexity or complexity coded into simplicity. It doesn’t matter in some ways to me, because on any given day, I may be enthralled with both aspects of us. In The Fellowship of the Heart, I am working, crafting the writing to create a simplicity of understanding of how natural and easy it is for us to awaken to our Heart, to the fact that we are a unique expression of eternal Spirit, an expression that we as pre-incarnate Spirit wished to experience through physical senses. However, to get to that simple place sometimes requires exploring the complexities of who we currently are to get to the simplicity of our eternal nature. That’s very beautiful to me, and I seek to show one part of that journey as Anne Lafarnge engages in fellowship with her Heart, a fellowship fresh, engaging, and intricate as she understands how complex her journey has been to get to her simple truth. I want to share a bit of that conversation here tonight. _________________________________________________________________ She heard the call of the hawk. She breathed. She held her eyes loosely closed, aware of the sun falling across her face, absorbing it as a blade of grass absorbs the sun’s radiant energy. However, she felt as if the transformation of energy was to spiritual energy rather than chemical. She absorbed. She breathed. She listened. I am here, Anne. I have always been here. I have spoken. This is the first time you have sought me, though, for many, many years. Anne spoke in whispers. “I know. I know exactly how many years. I somehow knew this part of me, you, would know what to do. You saved me from that horrible boy. I heard the words to scratch, fight, and run. I did.” Why was that the last time you sought me? “I am not sure. Why was it?” You know it, but you fear the thoughts, the feelings, the words — don’t you? She sat still. She breathed. She was calm. “I think I know.” You are not having a polite conversation. Either you know it or you don’t. “I know it. I felt power. I felt conquest. I felt a surge of pleasure at defeating that boy. He deserved it.” But did you? Did you deserve what he tried to do to you? “Of course not. That’s a strange question from my own Heart.” I have another one, Anne. Did you deserve to have ego so activated that you haven’t stopped seeking conquests ever since? Did you deserve to allow ego to close your voice and ears from me? “I did not. But that’s not your point, is it? I feel it. I sense it. I didn’t deserve that part either, but I chose it, didn’t I?” Why would you do that? “It felt good in some ways.” How does it feel now, looking back, thinking back? “Awful. I feel awful. Yes, I hear you. I feel awful not because I defended myself but because I took delight in harming someone else. I didn’t feel grateful for being safe. Just powerful. It was not a good kind of power.” What do you mean, Anne? “It was an inferior power. I think it was a power like I have been feeling this past year leading to my being named a senior associate. To get it, I had to only be more powerful than those who contended with me.” What are you saying? “It is a power that preys on the weaknesses of others. That horrible Ronald boy wasn’t like that, but I learned this kind of power from our encounter.” What nurtured this prey drive, Anne? Do you know? “I do now.” _____________________________________________________________ Anne’s dive into her complex past that produced a complex psychological pathology in her leads to an understanding of herself in all simplicity. Well, I haven’t shared quite that far tonight, but I want readers to know it’s possible to analyze self with our own Heart and arrive at simple understandings. This is all for tonight, but it’s only Part I! Blessings in the exploration of your complex self and discovery of the simple You!
0 Comments
Honesty, to a certain extent, is the best policy. I have had limited time to write this afternoon and evening — very limited. However, because of the time in fellowship with my heart this morning, I continued my novel, and I will share some of what I wrote.
When thinking about how to convey, how to show, the reality of spiritual awakening in the context of fiction, I have struggled. This morning as I meditated, I called on my Heart to help me focus on this very idea. And here’s the abbreviated version. When we awaken to self, we realize the essence of core Self, Heart, is eternal Spirit. I want to show this, make the process of awakening to Self-awareness real and relatable. As a writer, I know the only way such things are conveyed in words is through sensory images. And it is not such an easy task for an inexperienced writer to show such an important message in a fictional setting. The essence of the message is the essence of the answer to the question of Who am I? In one way, that answer would be the same to all of us: We are eternal Spirit. We are the I Am. But we are a unique identity of I am. Is that more or less awesome that just realizing we are eternal Spirit? That’s something for each of us to decide. It’s also something to understand that we, each of us, individuals, because of how we were made and the identity of humanity we took on, represent a totally personal, seasoned facet of Spirit. We are Spirit. We are eternal; however, we each add a distinct aspect of Spirit by the flavor of our life — thinking, deciding, and acting in our mind-soul-body complex. The following few paragraphs are the way I am working towards — tomorrow? — the revelation of Self that Eric and Ann Lafarnge are experiencing in The Fellowship of the Heart, but as an author, I want to find a way to make that conversation realistic as they analyze and explore together. This is the beginning of my latest chapter. _____________________________________ The next morning, Eric awoke before Anne. He went downstairs to leave Anne some extra time to sleep. He brewed a cup of coffee and went out on the deck. As he stood at the rail, the morning sun felt warm and comfortable on his skin. He absorbed it like one of the innumerable blades o grass in the field surrounding the lake in the distance. He followed the flight of a red tail hawk soaring in circles over the fence line that marked the boundary between their property and the state forest that backed up to it. The hawks majestic flight silhouetted against the deep blue morning sky caused him to smile. “Amazing. For the first time in years, I know that feeling of freedom, Mr. Hawk, a new, high vantage point for me. Yes, Hawk, I know how you feel.” He knew it wouldn’t be too long before Anne would be up, so he decided to make an omelet for them. He also steeped a pot of tea. He left the omelet to rest for a minute. He put the garbage from his work in the composter just to the side of the deck. When he walked back through the doors, he breathed deeply, taking in the aroma of the omelet and herbal tea. He made some toast and buttered it and put it all on a tray to take upstairs. Anne, however, had heard Eric creep out of bed a half hour earlier. She went to the bathroom and washed her face and quietly sat in front of the bay window looking over the same view as Eric. She closed her eyes and just breathed. She felt her the air flowing through her nostrils and down into her lungs as her stomach and chest expanded. Again and again. She sat and breathed. ____________________________________________________________ This is at least a beginning, and it will lead to a realization of the eternal nature of us as humans. Emotions play a major role in evaluating ourselves. Emotions emanate from the soul and as our base create who we are. We each have our own emotions and thoughts that carry with them the mark of eternal Spirit when we come to know Self in fellowship with our Heart. I’m barely staying awake here, so richest blessings to you as you contemplate the essence of of living that true, personal, core Self. Blessings! Writing a novel challenges and intrigues me. While I am currently working through some decisions, I love it. I will write my way through it. I will think and try on some paragraphs and conversations, and then, I will have another page, another chapter.
Being intrigued by the craft, practicing it, finding ways to write better, being more efficient and engaging, and simply sharing my Heart make my work important. Oh, I know it may not be to some, but it will be to those in the fellowship of the Heart. Anyone working their passions and doing it because it’s important to themselves will draw others. Enthusiasm is contagious. Enthusiasm produces excellence because anyone passionate about their work will find ways to keep growing, keep creating excellence. To me, such people inspire confidence because they know their craft, no matter what the craft is. It could be someone working a cash register, a gardener, a plumber, a teacher, or any of the thousands of pursuits human beings follow. People who lose themselves in their work — in an enthusiastic, delighted way — make others want to understand them, know them, connect with them, and relate to them in some form or fashion. For such folks, life and work form an organic whole, especially when they are operating via Heart. It is possible to be engaged for some time through Ego, but the burnout will come because there is still not a sense of the grand purpose of life for them, even when they’re very talented and accomplished at their job. Why am I pondering these things tonight? One reason is that I’m wrestling with the craft part of my writing in The Fellowship of the Heart. I want my dialog to sound natural, and I’m working on that because my writing reflects my belief in this whole spiritual awakening aspect of humanity. I want the novel to work, to be good. It’s my first novel, and I know I have much to learn. With something like this, as with many things, the apprentice has to start producing and keep learning and improving. Yep, that’s me right now. However, I still want this to be a work that helps people discover Self and join in the creation of their own life Purpose. Pretty big deal to me. And this being a big deal to me is where my morning meditations began. Since I’m all about discovery, I know no one learns or discovers much without asking questions, and I posed some to my Heart this morning, questions about how many people even think about the sort of ideas I have written about in this blog for a bit over thirteen months and seek to illustrate through the book. When I speak on a personal level with some people, they just don’t have much response to the concept of self-awareness, spiritual awakening, speaking to their own Heart. Is it a far-fetched idea? Does it really just not matter? Is there no practical consequence or potential benefit in doing so? Don’t get me wrong; some people are excited about it, really! Recently, though, I have gotten responses like “How can anyone really know who they are or their purpose in life?” “I know I asked for your advice, but don’t tell my to follow my Heart!” I still love them and have relationships with them, but have they even read my hashtags?! My Heart never fails to answer, and this led to my truth this morning. I am the one who makes the difference. My belief, enthusiasm, passion, growth in my craft, and sharing my Heart, my core Self with the Universe — all of those will make what I write and think and believe relevant to souls who want it. I become the marketer, the cheerleader, the manager, or anything that is needed to live my truth and display Self to this world. I don’t have to manipulate or coerce or bribe — just live my Purpose and truth through my writing: “If you build it, they will come” idea! So, I continue working on creating dialog and plot that makes the concept of self-awakening and self-awareness sound very natural. It’s important to me, and I love the possibility of others being roused to question and discover and explode into their beautiful, eternal selves through what I do. In the meantime, I will be the one enjoying those rides — and working on the novel tomorrow! Blessings in your craft! From what I understand, a big step in therapy is coming to an awareness of the problem. Self-awareness. It’s a big deal, knowing strengths, weaknesses, abnormal psychologies.
However, we can’t honestly know strengths, weaknesses, or if we’re normal or not unless we awake to that most basic awareness of who we are as core Self. This has been a question for each human for as long as humans have existed. I’ve got a quote from a really old Chinese dude to prove that his culture thought about this in 6th century b.c.e.: “At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want” (Lao Tzu). Self-awareness. People have the deep sense of core Self, but they will not call on Heart to know that true Self. When they leave Self buried, it creates conditions that make mental health professionals necessary. Carl Jung, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Many people avoid becoming self-aware to the point that they ascribe the direction, circumstances, and outcomes of their lives to some power outside of themselves. It’s an inside job. Self-awareness. The challenge in becoming self-aware lies in the two operating systems we come equipped with: Ego and Heart. “Each force has its own function, but in terms of fully enjoying, maximizing, and knowing my own Happiness, Heart must be the chosen system; it must be accessed and allowed to supersede Ego. Ego helps us survive in the pack of humanity in various ways, sometimes ways that can be intricate, delicate, and even duplicitous, at least in my experience” (from my Morning Pages today). Ego wants to keep us in the pack of humanity, so it does not like us to take risks. In fact, Ego has no qualms about self-deceit and lying to make us acceptable to society either as leaders, followers, or even at the margin — just as long as we don’t become self-aware. Self-deceit is the antithesis of self-awareness, and it becomes dangerous when we believe our own lies. The danger lies in loss of happiness, happiness that comes from fulfillment, significance, and meaningfulness. How does this happen? True story here, but first let me say even after we become self-aware, we still have Ego and it still wants to operate our complete being — a definite struggle. Here is a scenario I have experienced recently. I spend time in fellowship with my Heart and visualize things that allow me to advance and experience my Purpose, Vision, and Mission. Sometimes, they are goals for the day. Do you know what Ego, my Ego, does? It misappropriates Heart-truths like “eliminate urgency” or “what feels good right now” and sends the message that I’ve finished what I’ve needed to do: “Hey, you’re happy! Isn’t that a goal. No need to rush or be urgent. It’s unspiritual!” Ego uses my own ammo against me in half-truths — deceit — when to be truly happy I want to accomplish my goals. Coming to understand the workings of Ego is the process of becoming self-aware. Rightly evaluating my strengths and creating my Purpose is self-awareness. Working with others who are capable in areas I am not and not spending time on those weaknesses is self-awareness. A major component of self-awareness, also, is knowing that I do not need ANYONE’s approval of myself, my Purpose, Vision, or Mission. No one knows my Heart, and my Heart is eternal Spirit; I don’t require any higher validation than knowing I am. Learning this wonderful Self and all the possibilities and powers of creation and depths of joy and love that are possible is the journey of this life in time and space. We are Happiness magnets and generators — when we become self-aware. We need that self-confidence that doesn’t look back, question, or doubt. When it comes to others being at different points in their journey, I may learn from them, be inspired by them, or in some cases be discouraged by them. What we each need to remember is to value one another, to open our understanding, but to be aware that we are exactly where we should be, and my personal evolution is perfect. I remind myself that I can’t borrow some perceived future from others’ spiritual truths. Grab and use what we can, but it only applies to now and is only useful as it integrates into our personal truth, i.e., it should resonate with us. Yes, knowing that is another part of self-awareness — knowing who we are, what we want, and executing our Happiness plan. Blessings in that awakened journey! “Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” Lao Tzu
Self-confidence can be overplayed; it can be underplayed; however, it is always played — one way or the other. Performance, life actions, the outcomes of life, my life, depend on me. My decisions, behaviors, and the consequences of those depend on what I believe — no matter how or why I chose those beliefs. And my confidence, trust, in my own ability to choose beliefs and then qualify them as valid enough to be motivation to live based on them defines self-confidence. My self-awareness of that has little to do with the reality of it. My degree of self-confidence is illustrated by what I do and how I do it. I express self-confidence in different degrees based on what I’m doing, what I’m acting on. For instance, if I’m working with a student or teaching in front of a group, I’m highly confident in my beliefs and my methods and techniques. However, sometimes home repairs like putting in a new light fixture, replacing plumbing, or weather-proofing a door — when it comes to those things, I’m not so sure of myself, but I have enough self-confidence to know I can learn, to know that I can figure it out, at least enough to give it a try (which I have on many projects — not always successfully!). The big picture things, though, the things I have chosen to live as purpose, vision, mission, and goals, those things require great self-confidence for contentment, for our own peace. When I die, I assume some sort of memorial will take place. When that happens, people will have their own opinions of me, but one thing is for sure. If anyone speaks about me, that person will not make a case that my life could have been different if only — if only I had a better childhood, if only she had supported me more, if only that school district had given me another job. No, my life will be reviewed and evaluated based on what I did; it’s all on me. Which leads me to this point: It’s all on me right now. Therefore, while others may have their opinions, evaluations of me, ideas for how I could do things better — all of which I would hear if rendered with honesty and good intent — the only thing that matters in the end is the confidence I have in myself to do what I create as my Purpose. Others’ opinions about that essence of me do not matter. I reveal my degree of self-confidence in my life Purpose, my Vision, and my Mission through my persistence. Whether it’s good or bad, right or wrong, I’m doing it. Perseverance. Persistence. Grit. But here’s the kicker, for anyone: What is the motive force for my self-confidence? People can be counted a success whether they have self-confidence through Ego or Heart. If I’m acting through Heart, I will be far more confident, fulfilled, and significant. Heart encourages risk in the face of censure; Ego will almost always cause us to question and cave and make other choices that may look good to everyone else but leave us unhappy. Confidence in the Ego-operated self will usually end up negatively; confidence in Heart, core Self, reaps huge happiness rewards. Self-confidence in the big things of our own creation allows us to live in happiness. That’s it, my friend. How confident are we in our own core Self, Heart identity and our co-created purpose? No pressure is implied here — only a check. Are we happy in doing our thing every day? Are we content in knowing Self and accepting our own creation? It shows, and others — deep down — want to see if we believe our own shit or not, to put it bluntly! Blessings! |
Questions to consider:How many times have you asked yourself or simply thought about the following questions?
Who am I, really? What is my truth? How do my actions reveal what I really feel and believe? What would I do with my life if I could do anything? What is my passion? Why am I here? How can I discover answers to any of these questions? If you have considered any of these questions, I hope that my experiences and writing will give you some guidance. Please read my blog and comment and share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you! Archives
December 2019
Categories |