I want to bring up something I wonder about from time to time. I value the followers I have on various social media platforms, and many of them sound so very positive. They encourage me.
However, I wonder about the true spiritual condition of some — not that I would question them, doubt them, accuse them, or anything like that. I just am concerned sometimes. Why? Because sometimes I hear them and see them repeating word for word the mantras of others, over and over again — which is okay because that’s a mantra, isn’t it?!
I’ve lived through a lot, and my care for them revolves around my past, saying things that weren’t true of me as if they were. I know, I know, and that’s okay if it’s from the heart and actually becoming part of the soul. My warning voice here is simply this: make sure you or I know when our own hearts are speaking to us and the voice we hear is our own heart and not someone else’s our ego has chosen to appropriate.
Sometimes, when we are confused, hurt, or questioning, our egos can jump on the messages of others. Why would ego do that? It’s safer. It’s not sticking our necks out because when we hear our own heart, a response of nonconformity must occur. If we discover core Self, then we need to live that personal truth or suffer extreme frustration. Following someone else’s pre-walked path may be easier and feel good, but true significance must derive from working out and living our own truth.
Okay, I don’t want to make a big deal about this, just telling my social media friends I care and let them know they have an immortal, invaluable Self. That Self does not need to assume the personal truths of others; obviously, however, I believe we can use and value the products of others’ life purposes. Just make sure we don’t assume those as our own life Purpose.
I thought of this today because as I evaluated my opening from yesterday’s writing, I thought I was already carrying Eric Lafarnge too far into his process of awakening. Tonight, I interrupt his initial, brief, inchoate contact with his own heart.
Eric watched some people walking around the perimeter of the park, and one of them waved to him. She worked on another floor, but they had collaborated on parts of several cases.
“Hello, Eric! How are things? Does the insanity continue on your floor?”
Eric smiled. “Oh, Teresa, I don’t get too worked up anymore. I just deal with whatever I’m assigned.”
“What? You are so intense. God, I loved the impassioned argument before Judge Seavers last year. That guy doesn’t just ‘deal with whatever’ he’s given. Besides, the word is you’re being considered for partnership.”
“How in the world do these things get around? Of course, I think I even told you once if only one other person knows what you know, then you’ve got to assume everybody knows — at least at Actov and Colboard.” Eric laughed.
Teresa smiled. “But it’s true, isn’t it? Partnership? If anybody deserves it, you do. I know all of us plebes would love to see a good guy finally get some recognition.”
“It’s way more than that, Teresa, but thank you. I haven’t heard any more talk over the last two weeks, so we’ll see. I’m not so convinced you can be, as you put it, ‘a good guy’ and be in a power position in a firm like this. Not that I’m saying our partners are bad, just not cast in the mold you’re talking about.”
“Maybe you’re right, Eric, but it’s hopeful to think so. Would you mind if I sat down by you?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t mind at all, but I need to get back to my office. Nice seeing you, Teresa. Don’t be a stranger.”
Teresa smiled. “I won’t be. I really need to keep walking. It helps get some adrenaline pumping for the afternoon. God, I’ll be glad when the weekend gets here. See you soon.”
As Eric walked away, he thought Why would I not want a partnership? Why have I been considering leaving? I could help good young lawyers like Teresa, before their idealism gets squashed. Maybe I should show some assertiveness to Jack and Peter. They thrive on that shit, anyway.
He stumbled up the curb in front of his building, and suddenly he felt nauseated. He sat down at his desk, worked on some email and notes from his paralegal assistant, and almost counted the minutes until he could respectably leave.
He didn’t even make an appointment to speak with Jack Actov or Peter Colboard. He walked across the street, through the median park where he sat earlier, and entered the short line at the train stop for the Magni-Rail.
Once on the magnet-powered 350 mile per hour train, he felt better, relieved. I’m not sure what I want. Do I want to leave the firm — especially with a real possibility of a partnership? I could help others from that position. I could do lots of things, I guess.
The nagging voice from earlier in the day whispered through his brain. “What ‘things’ would you want to do? Who are you, really?”
God, just shut up. I’m overthinking this. I always overthink everything.
“Maybe that’s because you haven’t thought the right thing.”
The right thing? What in the hell is the right thing?
“Maybe that’s the problem. Shouldn’t be such a difficult answer, should it?”
Eric started feeling sick again and just sat, shutting down his thoughts and the voice, and tilted his seat back. He closed his eyes and dozed for twenty minutes or so. His communicator buzzed, alerting him his stop was next.
He felt better as he slid into his large, company-provided Predator SUV, knowing he was minutes from home. “Oh, shit. Anne will be going on about ‘senior associate’ again. Quite honestly, I’m sick of that, too. Seems like I’m sick about a lot of things lately.”
That is it for tonight. I think I like this, at least initially. I feel like I have presented, perhaps in a shortened time line, the process many of us go through as we awaken.
I want to show to the readers awakening as a process, not an instantaneous event. While it may be for some, I doubt it’s the norm. However, I do think we can experience a step beyond awakening, maybe not a step so much as a continued growth in the knowledge of self.
When we come to the point of hearing, of consciously being aware of Heart speaking to us, that nagging, annoying whisper Eric is hearing, then we much more fully know self. Then we can work to create life purpose and live personal truth. Then we can enter into the fellowship of the heart.
Eric is getting there, but he’s fictional. You’re not.
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Questions to consider:
How many times have you asked yourself or simply thought about the following questions?
Who am I, really?
What is my truth?
How do my actions reveal what I really feel and believe?
What would I do with my life if I could do anything?
What is my passion?
Why am I here?
How can I discover answers to any of these questions?
If you have considered any of these questions, I hope that my experiences and writing will give you some guidance. Please read my blog and comment and share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you!