Before a full self-awakening, sometimes the best we can do is sense something is wrong, something we can’t put a finger on. That, my friend, is usually Heart trying to break through the constant clutter of Ego.
I want to make a point here: living with Ego as a primary operating and processing system is totally valid. There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to those sorts of life choices. Ego is part of us, part of our total being and always will be. In fact, when people have not discovered core Self yet, they still live personal truth; however, their truth is like the orange juice my mom made for me when I was a kid — watered down. I caught on to the taste difference when I was a little older, and boy, what a difference it was! No comparison. Get the comparison?!
When we don’t have more than minimal Heart input for growth in our truth and when we don’t really understand ourselves, we have little clarification about what we are doing, where we are headed. Also, since a choice hasn’t been made for Heart to be be the daily motive force, our truth is diluted like my orange juice by others’ truths and egos, because our own ego is ever moving us towards conformity.
People live, function, and even thrive at times living via Ego. Ultimately, at some point — sometimes acknowledged, sometimes repressed, sometimes, rejected — we all come to question who we are and why we’re here.
Until we connect with Heart and receive those answers, our ego lives are akin to living via the instincts of the lower animals. We did not arrive here bearing a part of eternal Spirit to live in something as low level as a fight or flight physiological response, nor did we come for even something as high functioning as either trying to beat everybody else or making ourselves victims over and over again. I know, because in the words of the old comic strip character Pogo,”We have met the enemy, and he is us.”
In my novel, The Fellowship of the Heart, Anne Lafarnge is struggling with her own ego. She is not aware of the source of the struggle; she only knows she is growing in unhappiness. She braces herself for conflict every evening with her husband, Eric. Currently, they haven’t even been sleeping in the same bedroom for like a month or so.
Her co-worker, Kathryn Frank, has noticed Anne’s energy. I will share a bit of the dialog here. (Please remember when I am sharing this part of my journey, these are unedited, unrevised chunks of writing!)
Kathryn and Anne met after work for a drink and discussion. Anne was a half hour later than she had told Kathryn.
“I’m so sorry, Kathy. I got pigeonholed again by Stan Boyle when I was on my way out the door. He asked me if I knew about the extra time you and Ed had taken on the alternative materials work.”
Kathryn took a sip of her beer. “Hmm? That’s interesting. How would he even know that? He’s been doing some snooping, I think.”
Anne gulped the mouthful of pumpkin ale she had just taken. “Why would you say that, Kathy?”
“Well, we have not really been in touch with Stan on a daily basis. In fact, we haven’t seen him except in passing for a month. We have only shared the numbers with him on the standard material estimates. I’m fairly certain of that. Ed just lets me do the accounting type of reporting so we don’t accidentally duplicate anything. Isn’t that okay?”
“Yeah, that’s smart, but I’m bothered by this. How did Stan know about the time you have spent on the other stuff? Why would he even care?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe he was just guessing. We have talked about it in the group.”
“He was very specific with time stats and what that translated into as costs based on your salary schedules. Very odd. And quite honestly, I don’t like it. Also, as long as I’m being honest, I don’t like Stan very much in terms of his personality. And that stays right here.”
“Anne, I would never repeat anything between us like this, but Stan isn’t so bad, really. Even though he has a lot more seniority, he has kept to his parts of the project. I feel like his abrasiveness is due to his unhappiness, too.” She flinched and quickly took a sip of her beer.
Anne set her drink down and leaned back a bit in her chair. “What do you mean when you say too?”
“I was going to say I let that slip, but I really didn’t, I don’t think. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, Anne, but so many things about your demeanor and your actions tell me you seem to be struggling.” Kathryn looked up from her glass and engaged Anne’s eyes. “I hope I haven’t upset you, but I’m kind of good at sensing these things about people.”
Whether we know it or not, we always are revealing what is going on inside of us, what our mental, emotional, and spiritual states are. Some people see it; others don’t. Egos try to help us hide it.
When we walk in the fellowship of the Heart, we emit those energies, qualities, and characteristics everyone at some point desperately desires. The ancient Hebrew word for spirit was the same as the word for wind and breath. Whichever motive force we choose or allow, we literally produce a wind carrying the aroma, the scent that we produce from within.
When it’s Heart production, it is one sweet smell to breathe out that unique aroma of Spirit that has come as part of us. We need to discover that true Self, live it, breathe it out to those around us who want to know the fruits of that Spirit — love, joy, peace being among those.
Not very many would refuse those, would they? Here’s to good breath!
Questions to consider:
How many times have you asked yourself or simply thought about the following questions?
Who am I, really?
What is my truth?
How do my actions reveal what I really feel and believe?
What would I do with my life if I could do anything?
What is my passion?
Why am I here?
How can I discover answers to any of these questions?
If you have considered any of these questions, I hope that my experiences and writing will give you some guidance. Please read my blog and comment and share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you!