Writers who don’t make much of an income find time at a premium — which means like 95% of us. Gotta make some money some way. That was today for me, but I still made some writing time. I’m still working on developing Anne Lafarnge’s egoic grasping after importance and significance. Here’s my creation as of this evening. (I know the first two lines were on last night’s post).
Neither one of them spoke again that evening, and Anne still was distracted by their conversation and the whole night. She simply could not concentrate. She decided to call Eric at his office.
She cut it off before it went through, though. Ugh! Why should I. Let him wallow. I can’t deal with his negativity when everything’s going so well for me here.
She spent the rest of the day immersing herself in new composite materials research, much stronger and lighter than concrete or asphalt, much more suited to modern transportation requirements.
Throughout the day, her enthusiasm grew. She sent a brief with some research links to both Kathryn Frank and Edward Sampson, her primary picks for the project team. At the point she hit “Send,” a chill ran up her spine.
“Oh, my God, I have to either formally ask Stan Boyle to join the project team or have a really good alternative to offer Paul. Shit, it’s almost five. I bet a lot of people are gone already. This is what Paul implied. I didn’t really know what I wanted and so I wasn’t focused and now I’ve got nothing. Okay, don’t panic, Anne. I have my files. I’ll make some quick calls. I want this.”
She believed that she had selected some colleagues whom she could trust and work with. However, before she could even make one call, she heard the distinct approach of Paul Egan’s brisk step in the relative quiet so late in the day. She barely had time to spread the files out on her desk so it looked like she was in a decision-making process. When she looked up, Paul stood there, just barely leaning in the door and smiling at Anne.
“We will be using Stan Boyle on the Riverview Bridge project. Just thought I’d take that decision off of your plate. Senior associates have so many other things to think of. Have a great weekend.” Paul smiled and winked at her.
Before Anne could reply, he had pushed the door solidly closed and was gone. Relief swept over her, and she savored the sweetness of what she had just tasted. “Screw Stan Boyle. If he doesn’t measure up, I can get rid of him. Until the formal meeting, Paul just told me I’m the new senior associate, and Stan Boyle didn’t get it! It’s mine. Wait till I tell…”
He won’t care. He doesn’t have any drive left. What in the hell is he looking for? Does he want anything? I don’t think he even wants me any more. I wonder if he’s even thought what this might mean for us financially — a share of corporate earnings. God, we will be able to do so much. Well, I will. Don’t think it will matter to him. I want to tell somebody. Who can I even share this with?
And that’s it. Have I intensified the divide between the two? Believably? I’m not sure.
I am sure, however, ambitions driven by ego are selfish, which means others are ignored or squashed in the quest, and the end is the goal and any means are acceptable.
Not so with Heart goals, which might in some ways look egoic, but one major difference exists. Heart goals work for the good of others, directly, and the means work harmonically to create the ends.
Yes, outwardly, it may be difficult to see a difference without it being you. But if it is us, if we have the mind to stop and take stock of what we want, why we want it, and who it will benefit, then we can determine for ourselves: Ego or Heart.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. An egoic life will leave you feeling empty and insignificant, ultimately, and may even leave you feeling quite a bit of guilt or resentment and depression. It’s not wrong — just sad.
I like happy, really, I do!
Questions to consider:
How many times have you asked yourself or simply thought about the following questions?
Who am I, really?
What is my truth?
How do my actions reveal what I really feel and believe?
What would I do with my life if I could do anything?
What is my passion?
Why am I here?
How can I discover answers to any of these questions?
If you have considered any of these questions, I hope that my experiences and writing will give you some guidance. Please read my blog and comment and share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you!