Heaven or Hell: I Have to Choose, and So Must You

It’s not organized religion, friends!Hey, I know I’ve shared my ideas and philosophies over the last months, and I’ve written some about my journey leading to the eventual publishing of my novel. Today was one of those emotional days, a day when I had to decide if I would push through, onward, and upward or if I would just quit. Quit writing the Morning Pages and these posts. Quit hoping that my novel is worth a f — k. Just quit. And, quite honestly, it scared the hell out of me. And I was in hell.

The struggle prevented me from even being able to think creatively, to think in a way that would make any difference at all. I thought about what might be helpful, encouraging, and maybe even a little entertaining. Nothing. Then — oh, it can be so subtle — I got it. Ego was working overtime. I can’t blame it, because my ego was protecting me from disappointment and a lot of hard, and to some extent unrewarding, work.

How does my ego work? Oh, it’s really fairly simple, and the pattern should be recognizable. In fact, I did realize it — when I started thinking about getting a nice, safe job somewhere. But not before I was reminded that I had not obtained education jobs for which I applied. Not before remembering that almost everyone in the publishing industry thinks selling a thousand books is a big deal. Stop. Regroup. Try a job at a store, maybe a grocery store, until something better comes along. If I work a lot of hours, I won’t have to think about writing — or failure.

My heart never stopped, though. “Write, Michael, write. Vision. Mission.” What did my rationalizing ego say to that? “What about those people you like, whose philosophies you agree with? You know, things like ‘The Universe likes speed.’ ‘Take baby steps.’ ‘Get out of your comfort zone.’ Yeah, you’ve done all those things over the last five years and even intensely for the last six months. What has it gotten you?”

Much, it has been amazing, if I stop moaning and think with my heart. I have made wonderful connections with a number of people. I love being a writer, but you know what my ego keeps throwing at me? Yeah, you know: “How much are you getting paid? Six to eight hours a day for maybe, on a good day, twenty readers? What is that per hour?” You’re right, Ego, so f — k off. I don’t need safety, security, rationalization. I need to be true to my heart.

How? It’s called resilience, grit — things that people are currently being paid a lot of money to speak and write about. I don’t know them, but I know myself; I know Discovery. I’ve made a commitment to write, to help myself and others discover anything and everything we might need to know in order to awaken to self and to all the glories of the Universe that the Spirit would reveal to us. I will not abandon that, and the only way I won’t is via resilience, to return to my heart’s revelations and counsel, to not let it slide — dedication, devotion, determination.

Whenever faced with the persistent, protective voice of ego and opinions of anyone else or anything else — facts, figures, incomes, “logic,” whatever — I must remember who I really am and how I have determined to express that Self in fulfillment of my life purpose and love to the rest of this Universe. Anything short of that — for money, love, fame, or power — is treason, betrayal of core Self. But ego’s powerful role in our lives makes the internal conflict strong. The answer, always, is found in the questions: Who am I? What is my purpose?

I have to occasionally, as I have previously shared, answer those clearly and consciously and shut the ego down. I need to evaluate and live my life based on my heart; living heart, and that alone, determines peace, fulfillment, significance, and eternal value.

​This morning I was going through hell; Winston Churchill famously said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Finishing this, I’m in heaven. Where are you?