I’m sure to many my observation about my writing the last two days is obvious. This morning, though, as I wrote my really personal morning pages, I realized what I have been writing about is pre-awakening pokes from Heart. I hadn’t been thinking about it in that way. Minor epiphany to me!
Resonance, intuition, and today dreams and inspiration all say to me Heart works throughout our lives to awaken us. These Heart impulses emanate from our subconscious to pierce our consciousness. We need to make a conscious choice to acknowledge Heart and to awaken to its working.
Why? Because we came here to discover core Self, eternal essence, and express that to the world, the circle of love to come to love Self (not an easy, automatic response) which allows us to love the world with the blessing of who we are. Each of us is different, wonderful, and has an essence no one else can add to the richness and intricacy of this world.
Yes, Heart wants to awaken us, to lead us to discover core Self and life purpose, and to bring us to awakening. Heart does this wonderful work, letting us know Ego neither sends nor controls those wonderful subconscious impulses of energy like dreams and inspiration.
In my rewrite of The Fellowship of the Heart, it’s the dream Eric Lafarnge began his law work with that Heart uses to continue the awakening in him. Anne, his wife doesn’t understand it. When Eric thinks he sees some heart movement in Anne, he responds, but she is not ready. Ego still operates, and she scoffs, basically, at Eric’s dream.
“Because you are really inspired about this new project. It’s something I haven’t seen in a while, and it looks good on you.” Eric continued smiling.
Anne’s smile vanished. “What do you mean, Eric? Never mind, I know. You didn’t want me to get the associate position. I sickened you every time I talked about it. I could see it in your face. Don’t try to deny it.”
“Hey, I was complimenting you. I won’t try to deny it, though, dammit. I rooted for you, and you know it. But you became obsessed with the opportunity and Paul and the other guys. To me, you didn’t seem to care about the engineering, just the power.” Eric didn’t move, didn’t flinch. “You know what, Anne? I didn’t even mind that. I’m realistic. If you want a position like that, you’ve got to play the game. You know why you started seeing disgust, disdain, whatever you want to call it, in my face?”
“Oh, no, I’m sure I don’t know why, Eric. I’m not a wise, deep, moody-ass thinker like you. So why don’t you tell me.” She turned from him for a split second and turned off the heating elements of the stove top.
Eric heard the voice. Be truthful, not angry. Eric paused for a few seconds. “Okay, Anne, I was happy for you. But I have been questioning playing that game for months now, wondering what I really wanted to do about the partnership. It wasn’t me; it’s not me. And you very much kept shoving me, forcefully, in that direction.”
Anne relaxed a bit. “If you want something like that, you’ve got to be ambitious. You’ve got to go after it. You have no ambition for a lawyer of your status. It’s like you lost the will to work.”
“Anne, I don’t want to get you more riled up because you keep accusing me of being philosophical and seem to think it’s a negative thing. But I have to say this: ambition is not the same as passion. I am passionate about seeking justice for people, and it took me all this time to remember my dream.”
Anne walked past him and sat down on the other side of the counter. Eric turned and sat down, too.
“Okay, Eric, I’ll take the bait. What are you talking about when you say ambition is different than passion?”
“Look. It takes special determination and persistence to reach these partner levels, and you did it. But your drive and actions were all geared toward this personal gain at the expense of what your passion for engineering had been. That’s the difference I saw in you when you told me about your plans for the new project — that spark of passion, a love for the work that excites you, not drives you relentlessly. The passion will carry you forward. Ambition will squash passion if you’re not careful.”
“You’re speaking too much like a lawyer, parsing and finely dividing words.”
“Maybe, but you wanted me to be a partner, pushed me for it. I could have done it, could still do it. Jack and Peter want me to.”
“Not for me. My passion is to work for justice like this new case before me now. Like I see the passion in you for implementing new ideas and innovative engineering. I guess to me, ambition has an end that benefits only me, even though it requires dedication. It’s like making a stupid choice and then you stick with it no matter what. You do it, but you may hate it — or not — but it’s not the same as love. If I’m passionate, I love what I’m doing; it will fulfill me. Ambition for something I’m not passionate about will leave me empty, feeling meaningless, even though I achieve something. It’s superficial.”
“Now you’re calling me superficial, and I think you’re being obstinate and making excuses. I think you’re afraid of the new responsibilities you’d have.”
“You don’t know me any better than that, Anne? C’mon. I take on the government in court. I am not interested in ambition. I am passionate about justice.”
“Yeah, got it. So what you’re telling me is you aren’t taking a partnership.”
“That’s right. I’m not. Jack and Peter don’t know that, though. I made, well, I had a conversation…” Eric paused, listening for the voice. Patience. She is angry. Not now. “I’ll say I evaluated the way I felt and what my original dream was when I started practicing law.”
“You have no idea how to grow, do you? You are not a newly licensed member of the bar. You’re a seasoned, winning, money-making attorney who has been noticed. You don’t care about that?”
“No, I don’t. My dream was to fight for justice. This new case I have has helped me to clarify my own thinking about all of this.”
“Dreams. That describes your lousy ass attitude for some time now. You should be acting, not dreaming.”
“My dream has given me cause to act, Anne. I know who I am and what I want.”
“You sound like an idealistic school boy. God, Eric, wake up from your dreaming.” She stood and left everything in the kitchen.
Eric could hear her going upstairs. He assembled a burrito for himself, grabbed an ale from the refrigerator, and went out on the deck.
He wolfed down the burrito, set the plate down, and sipped at his beer as he stared at the sunset. You used those dreams, Heart, to help me see, didn’t you?
“Yes, I did.”
Eric smiled as some crows cawed repeatedly in the distance.
Without awakening to Heart, without following through to know core Self, to create a life purpose, the living out of a dream or the completion of some work based on inspiration would not happen.
Eric’s heart brought the dream back to him. He chose it, chose Heart, chose love. So can we.
Creative WritingWritingSelf-awarenessSpiritualityPersonal Development
Questions to consider:
How many times have you asked yourself or simply thought about the following questions?
Who am I, really?
What is my truth?
How do my actions reveal what I really feel and believe?
What would I do with my life if I could do anything?
What is my passion?
Why am I here?
How can I discover answers to any of these questions?
If you have considered any of these questions, I hope that my experiences and writing will give you some guidance. Please read my blog and comment and share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you!