Decisions, Tests, Determination: Following Heart Means Facing Ego

I love the way we are tested in life. Well, not when it’s happening, not at all. So often when we make decisions the alternative we didn’t choose presents itself as a lovely little package of possibilities.

A few words come to mind. Determination. Sincerity. Self-love. When we choose a path based on heart, I don’t really believe some invisible force jumps in to throw a temptation our way. I believe ego just does a dandy job of repackaging the rejected way; then, ego begins its powerful work of rationalizing. “Wouldn’t it be safer? Did you really consider all the options? You didn’t think of it in the right way, did you? Don’t you think this would be wiser, less risky, safer?”

When that happens, I ask, “For whom?” I am aware now — aware because I’ve awakened to self, because I have come to know my heart and fellowship with it — and when I have heard my heart, explored the options, and made my choice, I proceed.

But damned if my ego doesn’t kick into overdrive. Want a for instance? I determined no matter what I would not mess around with little snatches of work if they interfered with my writing, and writing includes corollary activities like keeping up with social media and reading like a maniac, neither of which I have gotten very efficient in.

I lack knowledge in social media — no, I cannot pay for a consultant — and I read but not what I have scheduled for myself. And I have just this week laid out a regimen. Actually writing and publishing takes about eight hours a day. I have budgeted two hours a day for social media and an hour and a half for reading. Every day I do this, and I publish on Medium, FB, Twitter, and Instagram, main focus on Instagram. If you do the math, that’s a little over eleven hours a day. Today, I tutored for three hours, which means I drove for another hour. I shouldn’t forget the time it takes with my puppies — I have to walk them in a half hour or so — and everyday things like vacuuming, mowing and trimming the lawn, and taking care of other little chores occasionally.

Yes, I sleep about four or five hours a night, but that catches up with me. So, when time gets shaved, it’s out of my writing schedule. I haven’t read today at all in my stack of books. I only worked on The Fellowship of the Heart for about an hour with little to show for it. I am determined, though, and I will make it happen — with the help of the Spirit and Universe.

And guess what, since I have really closely evaluated time constraints and laid out this new schedule, I had a guy talk to me about taking on some of his overflow students, and those will probably occur at inopportune times in terms of my writing. It’s 9:30 right now. I cannot go back out and tutor for the evening like I did tonight on a regular basis.

How does ego work? “You need the money, don’t you? He respects you. Don’t let people down. What will your friends and family say if you turn down paying work?” I don’t know, but I’ll find out if they say anything. Mostly Ego is doing all the talking!

So, I have still written, and my five or six hours a day doing Morning Pages, this article, and the Instagram picture at night are inviolable. Before I sleep tonight, I will read, but not for long because my eyes will close. The last week, my phone has actually fallen out of my hand multiple times while trying to prepare the Instagram picture and caption.

But you know what? I’m not stopping. My heart decision has been made. I am a writer. I will have a book published along with these articles, and I’m doing it because I believe a great many folks long to discover their own hearts, awaken to their core Self, and live a life Purpose that matters, that fulfills, that is significant to them — a pretty big Why are you doing this?

So, this is the life of this writer, for now. I have a portion of my writing ready to share — it’s pasted right underneath this. It keeps jumping down a line every time I do, really! And in it Eric Lafarnge deals with his boss’ renewed interest in Eric claiming a partnership in the law firm that two of his bosses groomed him for. He has awakened, become self-aware, but not quite sure where he is heading. Ego comes galloping into his mind. However, it will keep for tomorrow.

​For tonight, I wish you peace as you speak to your heart and make decisions for your life. I wish you awareness to be able to distinguish between ego and heart. And I wish you determination to firmly pursue your passion in love.