Today, I have reflected on the last six months of my writing life. I feel amazed that I could produce such a volume of work. It has been thematic based on my novel, Fellowship of the Heart; however, the underlying theme of heart and ego as choices has allowed a broad, varied expression of knowledge and experience. I feel really good about that.
I have learned that I can, indeed, produce quality work every day, some better than others, and that is okay. I am quite sure that without an editor, every day has some mistakes, and I know from years of working with students that we cannot spot many of our own errors. The fact remains, though, that every single day for over six months, as of today, I have published my writing. Scary when I first began, but this daily process has helped me personally understand what I have heard and told people many times: just get it out there, finish, stop using perfectionism as a tool to procrastinate. I may have had a few sloppy pieces, but I would guess that 95% of my stuff is relatively clean, which brings me to my next discovery.
Anything I have written out of character with my abilities is because I did it when I was either sleep-deprived or not feeling well — for some reason or another. I know that I can write on a very, very late night or very early morning. Other people sometimes actually want to see me, spend time with me, and when I do that at normal times, it means my writing is delayed or shifted, but I do it. And sometimes it is damned hard, but it always feels so good, so fulfilling.
I experience that same sense of progress and fulfillment when I discover elements of my writing I can improve or some skills I advance. I have learned to more purposefully manipulate tone. Also, I have discovered what I have heard professional writers say for years: I realize how crucial knowing, reading, and experiencing others’ writings and art is to my own creative process. One more thing worthy of note for me is I require an intimate contact with Nature, daily, if I am to create and produce any type of work at all. This has been true of anything I have done all my life, though, even recreationally.
I know choosing to hear my heart, learn myself, and stay in a daily fellowship with my heart has pushed me through all this. If, six months ago, I had set a specific goal of saying I was doing this for six months, my ego probably would have pushed me to fail. Knowing this heart goal, though, of simply writing, knowing it is my life purpose, one I chose, created, and developed, has made this possible. With the consistent aid of the Universe through the Spirit, I am a co-creator, and I thrill at the work and response to it.
However, in my self-reflection, I will admit the places where ego has shown up and had influence, but my awareness of that part of myself makes ego’s efforts ineffectual — but not totally uninfluential because I do get down sometimes. How?
Well, the response I just mentioned. When I see my number of followers on social media, I have to think I either don’t know what I am doing or my work means a lot to me and a few people but it sucks to most. I won’t buy it, though, whatever the reason for the lack. I am Discovery, I am a writer, and through that identity and purpose, I help others to discover self, personal truth, and their purpose. The other aspect of ego-work is I have yet to see an income stream while building this dream and purpose; I’m expecting income and developing ideas, though, whether directly or indirectly through my writing.
This brings me to my heart’s prompting this morning, even though I have previously referred to this poem of Walt Whitman — “O Me! O Life!” This poem covers my emotional journey to some extent. Self-doubt will always be invoked by Ego, but for those who know the Fellowship of the Heart, the Ego’s work just urges us onward and upward rather than compromising, and it helps give further shape to my Life Purpose. Make no mistake, the emotional conflict is real — no bullshitting — but it truly creates more determination.
Walt says, “O Me! O life! of the questions of these recurring, // …Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?” Sometimes, when I am down, ego tries to convince me I am lacking faith, but the key is I, core Self, REALIZE IT! And sometimes, so many around me, whether I know them and they are well meaning or whether they seem so hopeless that they just drag me down, make me feel “The question, O me! so sad, recurring — What good amid these, O me, O life?” Do I really make a difference; do I really mean anything to anybody?
Well, I will take Walt’s words for my own: “Answer: / That you are here — that life exists and identity, / That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.” As long as I am here, I know who I am, and I have created my life purpose.
I do not know how it will all work out, but as this is a time of reflection and not prognostication, I don’t need to know. I know my heart, core Self, personal truth, and my created purpose. I will make my contribution out of love for Self and my fellow human beings. I will contribute to the Fellowship of the Heart and make no apologies for it — no matter how little recognition or income might result.
Personal reflection is a disaster for people when no choice is made to evaluate with one’s heart: however, I am encouraged when I consciously choose Heart as the operating system for reflecting on my life.
Questions to consider:
How many times have you asked yourself or simply thought about the following questions?
Who am I, really?
What is my truth?
How do my actions reveal what I really feel and believe?
What would I do with my life if I could do anything?
What is my passion?
Why am I here?
How can I discover answers to any of these questions?
If you have considered any of these questions, I hope that my experiences and writing will give you some guidance. Please read my blog and comment and share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you!