Vincent van Gogh was definitely a tormented soul. Why? Based on my reading of a collection of his letters in Vincent by himself, edited by Bruce Bernard (all quotes from this book), he was engaged in that classic struggle of ego and heart. When someone is so talented and can see as he did, it becomes an even more intense internal conflict when that core Self is suppressed by the ego in response to a critical, judgmental world, especially when that world includes family and society.
I thought of Vincent after receiving occasional messages from people telling me that they are going through a difficult time. I am so grateful that they are open with me, and I will always encourage them to do that which I know is best and most effective but is the most challenging: ask the questions that they need to ask and find the answers to those questions from their own hearts. I have to do the same. While the words or works of others help me and I gratefully receive them, the power and source of change, resolution, or revolution emanates from within me. Those who truly care for others will help lead them in the paths of self-discovery. Others, though, with pretense and superficiality, seem to believe that pointing out the shortcomings of humankind is the answer, devastating the nobility, power, and light within people. It seems like lately I have heard more of this than I have for quite awhile. We have such wonderful power and resources; our own hearts speak to us, and the heart is in touch with the Spirit of all. I cannot stomach the self-righteous, incompetent whiny-ass pleas of those who try to convince others who are struggling that humans are helpless, filthy, and worthless apart from outside intervention. Maybe I feel strongly about this because I was in that camp many long years ago — a past life. Now, I know what I was working towards: we are powerful co-creators with an ego that creates problems, and we sometimes need to be reminded of our power and act according to the heart. When the “religious” ones denigrate us to the point of guilt, confusion, and depression, it suppresses the voice of our heart and the expression of our life purpose. We need to find that self-identity in order to live our purpose and truth. That lifts us from whatever challenges and struggles we may be facing. March onward and upward in light and love. Guilt and fear are harmful — negative emotions used by the ego and those who prey on egos. We do not have to listen to the ego and conform to the expectations or standards of anyone else. We will not destroy or harm if we listen to our hearts, live our purpose, and thereby show our loving core Self to the world. Let’s get back to Vincent. He was greatly influenced by “religion” and egoically sought to please others, so much so — and this happens frequently — that he believed that it was what he wanted. In one letter, he laments “…if we could make ourselves a crown of the thorns of life, wearing it before men and so that God may see us wearing it, we should do well” (30). Why would we desire to draw suffering and wear it as some trophy to prove how worthless we are to hope for some better future? But Vincent’s heart, I believe, would not let that great talent rest. Shortly after he penned those words, he wrote, “One sometimes gets the feeling, Where am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? and one’s brain reels. But then a well-known voice…makes one feel firm ground under one’s feet again” (31). He had been brought back to an unexpressed core Self, a life of struggling misdirection that tormented his soul, and his heart kept asking the questions. Vincent, though, knew that he needed to be working as an artist, even though his ego and “well-meaning people” thought being a minister or other work was acceptable. The fact that he didn’t put his ego to rest caused ongoing problems for him: “Though every day difficulties crop up and new ones will present themselves, I cannot tell you how happy I am to have taken up drawing again. I had been thinking of it for a long time, but I always considered the thing impossible and beyond my reach” (34). Impossible only exists when we let it. Perhaps tomorrow I will share a few of Vincent’s quotes about the expressions of his heart, but ultimately, he never rose to the triumph of living his heart and life purpose without apologies. However, his understanding of what was deep within created some of the most magnificent, encouraging, awe-inspiring expressions of the Universe ever put to canvas. I can spend hours just staring at Vincent’s paintings of all the spirit, textures, and energies of life, of the Universe, in every stroke of his knife or brush. His heart knew. And so do ours. When we struggle, then, or face challenges, where should we turn? Oh, it’s not easy. You might not ask enough or listen long enough or get silent long enough. Sometimes we think we speak to our heart, but the volume of our ego is up so loud it’s like trying to entertain guests with the television blaring. And if we need the help of others, as we sometimes do, turn to someone who will help us discover our core self, direct us to our own hearts and our own truth. “I feel…that there is a power within me, and I do what I can to bring it out and free it” (40). Yes, Vincent, we all have that power. Let’s all work to “bring it out and free it.” That is knowing our hearts; that is living our purpose.
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Today was a struggle for me. Yesterday, I was exuberant because I finished the final revision of my novel, The Fellowship of the Heart, before sending it to my editor. Of course, I will face more revising, but it was still a milestone for me. This morning, though, the big let-down.
I was struggling to find a focus for my Morning Pages. I meditated, read, walked the dogs, perused social media — nothing coming. I thought Hey this is just ego working overtime. How? My ego was telling me Don’t expect too much, remember that everybody says selling books is a labor of love and no money to be made from it, 500 books is a lot to sell, most authors you know are really good. Yes, my good old ego trying to protect me from disappointment. If I cave to that, the energy of my heart and core Self is squelched, and negative thoughts produce lackadaisical, negative actions and inactions — like No sense pushing to publish every day. You know, you started doing that to raise awareness about the novel, and what’s that going to be worth anyway? I saw what was going on, but the emotional side of ego was dragging me down, which was also reinforced by other concerns. I needed to decide: would I listen to ego and just use emotions as an excuse to slack and feel sorry for myself, or would I hear the urgings of my heart to live my truth and truly express my love for others by producing my writing? The choice is an emotional proposition, and the ego plays on all the poor, pitiful me, sad and sorry, and got a reason to feel bad emotions. The heart, contrary to what many may think, is not some sappy sentimental mess but rather the kick-me-in-the-ass and move me motivator. I spoke to my heart, and I thought I just needed to write what I’m going through. When I started, the thought of this ego or heart choice jogged my memory — why, I have no earthly idea — about King Solomon, reputed to be the wisest man of ancient times. His writings, at least some of them, are in the Old Testament or Hebrew Bible, depending on which side of religion you are standing. The whole heart or ego question wasn’t so easy for him, either. Proof? Two books authored by Solomon. (There is a third, and it is touching, romantic, and erotic, so I’m not sure where that falls on the ego and heart spectrum. Fun to think about, though!). Ecclesiastes and the Book of Proverbs present an internal conflict in Solomon. Even though I may not agree with all the ideas in Proverbs — or maybe I do but just don’t know it well enough — I do know that Solomon presents his truth with power, enthusiasm, and spirit, and his words fill the pages with vigor and hope and faith — and especially with instruction as to how to realize the fullness of core Self. In Proverbs, Solomon personifies wisdom, and he heard words from Wisdom in the way I refer to my heart speaking the truth of Spirit to me: my truth to be shared with the hope that others will be encouraged and motivated by my expression of love. Wisdom spoke to him and had big, bold, wonderful, and cautionary things to say: “Come, eat of my food, And drink of the wine I have mixed. Forsake your folly and live, and proceed in the way of understanding” (Proverbs 9:5, 6 NASB). He tells his son to keep the words of Wisdom, the Spirit, “in the midst of your heart” (4:21), to let that be the reference and motivator for him: “Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life” (4:23). Solomon reveals his heart message in many words of wisdom, words of Spirit. It’s almost hard to believe that the same man wrote the book of Ecclesiastes; it stands in stark contrast to the enthusiasm and spirit and heart wisdom of Proverbs. To me, it is a book that contains truth, but it is ego truth. It is book written by a man yielded to ego dejection, by a man who denigrates the nobility of spirit exhibited in Proverbs. As in Proverbs, though, there are high points and low points, and both books show this internal conflict that I experience. At least, I know the conflict, which is great because many do not seek the wisdom of their own hearts, so they don’t experience conflict. Overall, though, Ecclesiastes is a bummer compared to Proverbs — from the very beginning: “‘Vanity of vanities,’ says the Preacher. ‘Vanity of vanities! All is vanity’ What advantage does man have in all his work which he does under the sun?” (Ecclesiastes 1:2, 3). The same man who extolled the power and good and positivity and joy of living in the wisdom of one’s own heart now says that everything is useless. Much of the book goes on to say that basically life on this earth is hopeless and useless because we make absolutely no impact. Nothing changes no matter what we do. Ugh! Pure, unadulterated ego, but I’m not condemning because I, too, go through these phases. Only thing is I don’t think I’d ever put it out there to the extent that Solomon does! But he wrote with power, and I think there is great value in seeing the contrast between the two sides of Solomon, because all of us who know the fellowship of our hearts knows the decision to follow our hearts is not a one-time episode. Challenges and struggles force us to make daily decisions to walk in the light of our heart’s wisdom, and that is an awesome thing — very powerful, encouraging, character-building, not to mention loving of self and others. I will take the challenges every day compared to the defeatist attitude of “the mass of men who lead lives of quiet desperation,” who live shrouded in feelings of useless hopelessness that nothing matters, nothing is significant that they can do, and that we just need to muddle through an uninspired life. Today was a challenge, and I will gladly give thanks for it, because no matter how emotional it is, I will choose enthusiasm, faith, and hope every day! Today, I want to make clear why I write these daily blogs — at least for the last 129 days! Many times I use the #visionaryfiction because virtually all of my posts revolve around principles of self-awakening and self-awareness that focus on the possibilities that we possess as human beings. My take on transformation and true self-actualization relies on our hearing our own hearts, that internal, deepest, core Self.
Hearing that voice and evolving spiritually is a life-long process. We grow, and if we are growing spiritually, we need fresh revelation to write the new chapters of our lives. When I quit teaching, I knew that my heart was telling me to continue helping people discover, but now it would be through the medium of writing. Visionary fiction, for now, accomplishes that means of discovery in story form, one to which I hope many will relate. In my first novel, The Fellowship of the Heart, I illustrate the self-awakening of a couple facing turning points in their lives. They come to the point where they hear their own hearts revealing who they really are as core Self, and all the implications and ramifications of that in all areas of life, which is why I have referred to my concept of choosing to hear our hearts over listening to ego as the Unified Field Theory of Humanity/Human Nature. Every post that I have written, in fact all of my decisions, revolve around this principle, which is why I often tag with visionary fiction. I see it in relation to current events, historical movements — everything really. In terms of humanity, relationships, and reality, those who are in the true fellowship of the heart care little for politics, nationalism, or ego games of any kind. My friends, the fellowship of the heart is about no-nonsense reality, and that includes true love for humanity. At times, we are required to respond to events around us. Therefore, when something occurs like the horrible incident in Orlando, Florida, I see it in reference to the decisions that the stakeholders, all the players, make in reference to their hearts and respect for ALL humanity. By the way, the whole game-playing of politicians of who says what words and what slant they take on it makes me absolutely gag. I will refrain from saying any more here in reference to politics or politicians; I care deeply for those whose lives were lost and whose families and friends have been so drastically altered. The only consolation for any and all involved is turning to the voice of their own hearts; hence, I will share some words from my novel that you may apply in reference to anything you see fit. From The Fellowship of the Heart: Eric walked close to Edward and examined the carvings that Edward had been feeling. “Edward, I think that what the elders had to say to me through the vision that I saw answers to this. The group that left the mass of their tribe simply followed their hearts. I think that is the answer here — not running away but following our hearts, listening and receiving the message just when we need it most. We all, deep down, know the right thing to do. It’s like us back home. We battled — and it seems there are times to battle in such ways — but the time came to simply walk away. The time may come to return or find other means to express our purpose with our gifts and talents. We will know, if we listen to our hearts.” Alaun joined them at the carvings, as they all had gravitated that way. “You have learned well, Eric, because there are times to battle, but more with ourselves than others. This I know: I have never been instructed by my heart to hurt a fellow human being. The greatest battle is always within to be clear about purpose, desire, and vision. Getting clear about those is not a one-time issue. You will learn that. Just know for now that those who oppose us in our purpose are not enemies to be despised and fought, but enemies who we should recognize and respect in some ways. It is not always easy, but we always have the right guidance. And sometimes, the efforts of enemies are confounded when we follow our heart. Sometimes, they become friends, don’t they, Stan?” I want to add this because of what has happened in Orlando. Sometimes love and our hearts demand justice, but not blind, wholesale, egotistical hatred. If that is the camp anyone falls in, then that is not a heart response. However, sometimes perpetrators meet just ends, appropriately. No matter who dies, life energy has never been spent in vain. Lessons and energies continue; it is up to us to make meaning of those from our own hearts. May comfort, peace, and blessing attend all of us at this time, and may we remember that our greatest battle is within to gain clarity in terms of purpose, desire, and vision. I ran out of room for my thoughts in my short Morning Pages this morning. I ended with a reference to the founding of America. For all that some say about the philosophic and ethnic make-up of the founders of America, the words they wrote expressed truths that ran deep for them. I do not know the full intent that Thomas Jefferson had when he wrote that “all men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness…” but he surely captured an amazing impulse from the Spirit of all this Universe when those words were penned.
I wanted to get to these words because they express a mindset — whether it was temporary or an aberration— that emanates from a heart perspective: respect for others, including those who differ from us; basic rights to a life of freedom to be happy, a foundational desire of humanity; freedom to be Self. The life and functioning of a new nation were based on a choice of heart over ego. If a whole nation’s foundation is laid on the principle of heart over ego, then we surely can live every day by our hearts. I have mentioned my idealism in previous posts, and recently I was flat out told that some everyday matters like working are not about heart over ego but rather just about making money. Money to live at a certain standard, even though the trade-off is a miserable soul. Choices are the alternatives that we have; decisions are grabbing hold of one choice over the other. Heart can tell us which choice allows us to express core Self to contribute to this world, to experience unity with others, and to benefit this world. That’s why we are here: to have our full joy and happiness in knowing and living Self, and when we do that, we bless others. Our heart does not want us to end up in a soul-sucking, spirit-numbing relationship, job, or anything else in life, and those daily choices, both little and big, add up to one lifestyle or another. Ego would have us convinced that some things are just practical, that being idealistic — if that’s what heart choices are — is not practical, logical, or convenient. And that leaves out faith, that solid, no doubting believing in core Self. Faith is a fringe benefit of living the heart, i.e., genuine faith that allows us to make those decisions that are contrary to ego, that allows us to engage in the pursuit of Happiness, that sometimes means we might not have the same situations in life, but that is an acceptable alternative because peace, joy, and love trump many other ego strokers. Not a lot more to say today except this. For any who may be reading this and believe in and feel passionate about an issue — political, religious, or social — and those feelings are characterized by hate, hatefulness, judgment, or any host of negative motivators, then you are acting in ego. You are to be pitied because you are not pursuing Happiness; you are pursuing destruction of others and your own souls. The hallmark of pursuing true Happiness is love. Sometimes love takes stands, sometimes love disagrees, and sometimes love has to walk away; however, love does not initiate killing or destruction. I do not by any stretch of the imagination think that those who seem to have it all together and are peaceful and spiritual and all of those good things are superior to those who may even be acting in hate. What I would say, though, is that they are a whole hell of a lot happier, fulfilled, and significant. Hope this all makes sense in the light of the tragedy in Orlando this morning. Blessings on all. Faith is a positive, powerful concept. However, faith would not be necessary if challenges did not exist. When we face challenges, faith says that we believe in an idea, a power, a dynamic force that emanates energy which will buoy us up, help us through, give us strength, hope, some solution or deliverance, or the promise of a better future.
Yes, faith provides positive energy in some unseen but expected-to-materialize force or thing or event. Muhammad Ali had faith in an unseen future but one that had an expected outcome for him: “I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.’” Training as a world class athlete? I certainly can’t imagine, but the fact that he knew he would be champion meant he believed in himself. And that belief for being the champion wasn’t in a trainer, promoter, equipment, or anything else except himself. Such training was a definite trial and challenge, but he pushed forward and competed and won because of faith. He could have given up — too poor, too hard, too disadvantaged, too hated. He could have produced excuses by the boatload. Why didn’t he? “It’s lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself.” Believed in myself. Believe in Myself. You know what? Ali’s life and words are the very reason that those who espouse realism for their lives just don’t appeal to me on a philosophical level. “Oh, but be realistic. You are no J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, etc.” Don’t care. I’m the greatest, and that simply means in my mind that I don’t care about being better than anyone else. I am the greatest Me. I have to believe that. I’m the greatest— no qualifiers like “I’m the best that I can be.” That is mopey-ass shit. “I am the greatest.” Love that from Ali, actually the words in one larger context are “I am the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was. I figured if I said it enough, I would convince the world that I really was the greatest.” Others might stand back and dispute and compare and say other boxers or writers or anything at which you may be claiming greatness are better, greater than you. It doesn’t matter, though, if you have reached your greatness, does it? I have seen this play out to be true so many times in life. Have you ever known those people at work or school or in some club or organization who get noticed and promoted over you or others? Those of whom you say, “I’m better, smarter, more productive, more beautiful, happier, blah, blah, blah than he or she is.” Guess what? They believe in their own minds that they’re the greatest, and then your beliefs or opinions about them don’t matter a rat’s hairy ass. Now, I’m not saying that anyone should walk around putting others down, but I am saying you have to believe that you are the greatest at whatever you want to achieve, and if you do, you don’t care about being better than anyone else or if they feel they are better than you. If we don’t believe in ourselves, then we become fearful and self-doubting — the opposite of faith. I am the greatest. What an amazing refrain for ourselves, our core Self. We don’t have to blast it out in a public forum like Ali did, especially if other sensitive qualities attend us, but in our heart, we must believe in ourselves to that extent — if we are to realize our vision. NO ALLOWANCE FOR SELF-DOUBT! Might we get knocked down. Yes, but we are still the greatest. As “the Greatest” would say, “Inside of a ring or out, ain’t nothing wrong with going down. It’s staying down that’s wrong.” The greatest get back up. The greatest move forward. The greatest face the challenges and defeats but keep going. Ali really would have wanted all of us to be the greatest. He pointed his words at audiences. He said, “To be a great champion, you must believe you are the best. If not, pretend you are.” That’s advice to others — “you are.” He addresses that inner attitude, true faith in self. How crucial that is to life-defining success. Mediocre results don’t require faith in Self; they require dependence on others for provision, and to me, that just f — ing sucks. In case I left open any ego holes, let me make something perfectly clear. Being my greatest Self does not mean I have to make myself better than anyone else in life — a little paradoxical, I know. If you are a competitive athlete, it’s a different story. But for me to believe that I am the greatest Me, then that means I don’t settle for being better than anyone else. I don’t compare: that usually ends up in self-doubt. I do what I have to do to create my greatest vision of my life — no matter what I must do. We have to have utter faith in our power to conceive, believe, and create — utter, total faith. “It’s lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in MYSELF.” Who believes in you? It really doesn’t matter who else believes in you if you don’t believe in yourself: “I am the greatest!” I am. |
Questions to consider:How many times have you asked yourself or simply thought about the following questions?
Who am I, really? What is my truth? How do my actions reveal what I really feel and believe? What would I do with my life if I could do anything? What is my passion? Why am I here? How can I discover answers to any of these questions? If you have considered any of these questions, I hope that my experiences and writing will give you some guidance. Please read my blog and comment and share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you! Archives
December 2019
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