I grew up from the ages of seven to twenty-one in a four-room apartment in south St. Louis, Missouri. Our little apartment was newly built and clean when we moved in, but it didn’t stay that way long. However, it was home to us, all we knew, and we knew love there.
Many problems attended our family, as I’ve shared before. Our holidays were filled with my parents drinking even more than usual, which was significant. My sister and I, however, never experienced any direct abuse. Sometimes, things could be funny in such a small house, one in which the living room sofa served as my bedroom most of the years we lived there. When I was 17 and a senior in high school, I took a program called DECA, the Distributive Education Clubs of America (I think!). We were supposed to learn business principles, get jobs, and become familiar with working in various phases of a retail environment. I took it because I had all my credits and only wanted to go to school for a half day. We were supposed to have a job for the other half of the day, well, at least have a job where we worked about twenty hours a week. I got a job at a Hill Bros. Shoes store — don’t even know if they’re still in business — and I was still working there leading up to Christmas. I got to see all the new shoe styles as they came in, and of course, I got a discount if I wanted any shoes. I definitely was not and am not into shoes as a hobby; obviously, I had nowhere to even keep more than one extra pair of shoes beyond what I wore back then. However, that year harness boots were the rage, and we got some at our store. I thought they were incredible. Mainly because they not only looked good but were super comfortable. I could not usually wear boots; since my teenage working out years, I’ve always had well-developed calf muscles, and boots won’t go around them. These were just the right height and a little flared going up the bottom of my calf. I calculated how much I would need to save for about six weeks, and I put the one pair in my size in layaway. The reality is I hated working at the store. At my advanced age of seventeen and all the wisdom accrued to that point, I couldn’t believe how rude and stupid people could be, colleagues and consumers. The only thing that kept me there until Christmas and the end of my semester were my boots. Oh, good grief, I remember what a disaster the store was the last few days before Christmas. I was convinced they threw shoes on the floor and walked away just to piss me off. I would quit right after that, not only the store but also second semester of DECA. However, I always loved to learn, to improve on what was already in place, make it better, so when the manager showed me how to light a tin of shoe polish on fire and then apply liquefied polish to the boots and buff them to a previously unknown gloss and depth of protection, I was hooked. Hell, they almost looked like patent leather. Boots! Holy shit! Far out and Excellent! I got really good and fast at polishing shoes. Now, the one thing I hadn’t done was told my mom I was buying the boots. She would have thought them extravagant and expensive, but hey, it was my job and my money. I thought if she saw them all shined up, though, she would be in as much awe as I was. …(to be continued). Well, this is not the end of the story, but I have had an unusual night that includes a wrestling match with pulling out a leaking toilet to replace it with a new one, which I went and bought and lugged upstairs. Then, I broke the floor flange in the process of wrestling the old toilet; I removed both the toilet and flange. Yeah, the old toilet won the round, but the match will be finished tomorrow morning. However, it means I am out of gas and time to finish my little story. In the meantime, I would encourage you to do something this holiday season, whatever you may celebrate. Try to step outside of yourself for even a few seconds at a time; be an observer and set the scenes in your mind. Allow some perspective and reflection of how your time is going to be crafted into an endearing, special memory of love. My parents are both returned to Spirit, now, but I still laugh with them over the memories. It’s special and something that can be cultivated. I would urge you to do it for yourself. Blessings!
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Sometimes I have super duper times of meditation and fellowship with my Heart. This morning was one of those. I hope that simply sharing might mean something to someone.
You know, the awesome thing about what I have written and taught and spoken is that it keeps getting reinforced by my experiences. I’m just saying it’s working for me, as it did this morning. Do I keep learning, growing, maturing? Yes, indubitably and indefinitely, I hope. If I were not, then, I probably went wrong somewhere. When I was really sick over the weekend, I said I would spend time reflecting, and I did. And when I needed some stimulus, some insight, once again a friend across the pond — (is that better than from across the Atlantic?! Lol!) — suggested that I may be going through a time of transition, so I considered that, a lot. This was not an easy pill to swallow, and I am aware that the pill hasn’t cleared my esophagus yet. I want to put this in the right context because it is about my writing. I value that. It’s what I want to do, along with other communications. I love doing it. I’m really good at it sometimes. However, my Heart spoke to me clearly this morning and told me to stop writing, to stop and be still, totally as still as my ADD mind and soul could be. And for nearly an hour, I was. And this is what Spirit energy through Heart communicated to me. I believe I had to realize that my skill with words has developed in part to justify almost everything in my life — assigning reasons and logic to show my own thinking and consequent actions as worthy to the world. I have been progressing, but I realize I use words as crutches of justification for why I’m worthy to live or have anything. I have still been subconsciously seeking others’ approval, validation, esteem…I’m not even sure where that leads, so I’ll leave it there. My Heart made me be still and not use those words I am skilled in, and taught me, brought me to sense the joy of pure energy communicating in pictures and emotions. And the same came to me in repetitions that continued to increase through the time of fellowship. Ultimately, these had to translate to words because that’s the way human minds work, well, mostly. But the words, as I said were repetitive and simple. I felt them through energy, but I share them now in form. Feel the picture. Allow the emotions. Receive the help (can’t let my words wrap me up in a logically-acceptable bundle). Love — receive Spirit, Heart. Experience — do the feeling. Except for changing the punctuation, that’s exactly the way I felt the energy this morning, the way I recorded it. I don’t think that this evening I want to discuss it anymore. I may tomorrow. My takeaway that remains to be seen is this: I want my writing to communicate energy and feelings as much as possible. I don’t know what that may mean, totally, and I’m sure some writers out there may say to me, Duh! I’m talking about something that I can’t even explain right now, I suppose, and it may not change the way I write at all, really. However, I write and work from a place of love, so even though it may take awhile, I think I’ll still be offering some value. In the meantime, have an awesome evening. Blessings! The power of love. I thought about that in fellowship with my Heart this morning. So simple yet totally transformative in ways that set in motion multiplicities of complexities.
But that’s only because of Ego. Because we think we have to have some better or best explanation than others. Because a religion, philosophy, country, or family or whatever has to be right. It doesn’t. So when I write this article, I want you to know that I am neither endorsing any religion or philosophy, nor am I repudiating any. These are not my intent. I am sharing what I received from my Heart. Because of a comment I saw, I was thinking about being emptied of Ego-self in order to experience a full life. I kept thinking of a verse from the Bible, and I had to look it up and consider it for a few minutes. This is what I gleaned. Genesis 1:1, 2 says, “In the beginning god created the heaven and the earth and the earth was without form and void and darkness was on the face of the deep and the spirit of god moved on the face of the waters.” This is some ancient literature, and it is shrouded in beauty. However, before exploring that I want to link up a verse from John the apostle’s writing in John 1:1–3: “In the beginning was the word, and the word was with god, and the word was god. The same was in the beginning with god. All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made.” Another piece of ancient literature, clearly an allusion to the Genesis verse. If you do not know the work of Mike Dooley, I think you would be blessed to buy some of his books and read them or listen to them or consume them in any way you can. The basic premise of his work is that thoughts become things. And this is exactly what the series of verses above says. That initial creation — the calling forth of something from the energy to thought, word — began as chaos, “without form and void.” Spirit, pure Energy, created this way. I think it happened this way to show love. How? The word is not even mentioned in those verses. It is the foundation, though, of it all. That pure Energy, that Great Spirit, “moved.” That word means hovered or brooded over, with the implication of a mother bird that watches and protects and waits until the chicks are hatched; thus, the implication of wings of the mother bird being fluttered lovingly over all that is to be birthed. The basis of all this that we see around us, the whole Universe, is this Love. The Spirit created from love. And the first manifestation of this Love: light. Enlightenment. Light out of chaos — darkness and formlessness. The creative transformation of Spirit Energy came form a thought of love to transform the unorganized darkness of chaos into light. This is magical; it is beyond us. Or is it? No, it is not. Sprit made sure that all of creation knows this love. How? Spirit imbued that energy in each of us, in all of creation. And I have called our piece of Sprit Heart. Perhaps it is ironic, perhaps not, but we arrive in this scene with Ego-energy, a self-centered operating system that helps us survive and get established here. It is akin to the darkness of that primordial chaos — formless and darkness. Why? Because we are here in this mass of humanity with no true thought of connections with the Other or the Universe. It is the chaos of our mind-soul-body complex. When we recognize Heart within, though, we receive that mothering flutter of wings of love of Heart, and light illuminates chaos. We discover Heart and personal truth and live it. Enlightenment doesn’t mean instant beauty; in fact, it means a process of painfully reordering the chaos of our Ego-constructed lives into a meaningful existence. But we get to do that while experiencing fellowship with our own Heart, that Sprit of creation, light, and love in us. What are we if we have this in us? Yeah, that’s what we are. Powerful co-creators who don’t have to figure it all out. Just live in love, doing those things that fill us with that love, that are significant to us, that allow us to feel love and to share love. Blessings of love and peace this evening! For those of you who have followed me and at the very least hit the little like buttons, thumbs, hearts, you know I have written from my Heart. You also know I have shared time I have been low and shared with you how I worked through it.
Well tonight is another one of those times. I am sick as a dog, like sick that I haven’t been in 10 or 11 years. I would prefer not to be sick — head, sinus, every cell of my body aches, fever, nauseated. Ugh! I am not sure if it’s flu or if it’s food poisoning. I’m a smidgen better than earlier, or I wouldnt be able to even type this. I’m sure I will reflect and learn from this, but I could not stand to put nothing out. So, here it is. I’m sick. I’m open to learning. I’m hoping for the best in the morning. I’m not well-versed in healing! So, this is it. Blessings! What happens when the common things of life happen to us? You know, like getting sick, the sickest I’ve been in about eleven years or so.
One thing we all do kind of automatically, I suppose, is roll with the punches. We accept and adjust, accommodate, and just simply do the best we can. For instance, I could not bear to not produce a piece of writing last night, so even though I was really sick, I still cranked out 169 words (Lol!). However, it was so fever-crazed that I didn’t put it up on Instagram or any social media except for the platform where I have my string of posts — 314 last night. But are we limited to just accepting and grinning and bearing it? Well, no, and yesterday there was no grinning involved for me. Lots of grins today, though, because I’ve felt much better — getting there! When I’m really ill, I have several responses. One is that when it hurts to even walk, I picture life in my mind almost as an onlooker, take stock of what’s been going on with me. It’s almost like an out of body experience, looking down on the healthy Michael and wondering things. Like did I do anything to attract this? Honestly, I don’t get hung up on that, but it never hurts to wonder. So, I take stock of what I’ve been doing. One thing I always decide, to varying effects, is that I need to eat and exercise more effectively. I also consider things I value and how much I value those. I will mention one thing I considered yesterday because it’s something that’s relatively new to me. I missed the interaction with social media, especially the engagement with folks on Instagram. No, I’m not addicted, but since this writing is my purpose right now, it’s no different than saying someone who loves their job is addicted to work. And for all those folks who believe social media is so negative, anything can be. If I’m positive and communicate any topic with some positive slant, I can expect positive back — well, mostly. The very few times things have even come close to negative, I answer according to my Heart and move on. Perhaps the largest realization I’ve had is how much I’ve come to value this work over the last ten months. I know myself well enough to understand I really mull things over before I launch. I’ve always been like that, and part of that is thinking through all associated connections, actions, and reactions that might be involved. Ugh! I don’t like that much about myself, but I’ve been growing. This discipline of writing everyday has been something I needed. Believe me, I am aware that some of my articles are better than others. The article I put up on medium.com last night was definitely written by someone fever-crazed. The Morning Pages this morning may have been even worse. I didn’t realize I hadn’t done even a cursory proofread — until I looked back on it tonight. It’s more than discipline, though. I am doing Heart-work, living my Purpose. And I am so passionate about it that it seems like discipline, but it’s really devotion to myself, my Heart, and to the world. Therefore, when I put in the time, effort, and skill to produce my writing, it is a work of love. It’s what I have to offer of core Self. And this has taken me about three times longer than it usually does. Like I said. Love. Blessings! |
Questions to consider:How many times have you asked yourself or simply thought about the following questions?
Who am I, really? What is my truth? How do my actions reveal what I really feel and believe? What would I do with my life if I could do anything? What is my passion? Why am I here? How can I discover answers to any of these questions? If you have considered any of these questions, I hope that my experiences and writing will give you some guidance. Please read my blog and comment and share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you! Archives
December 2019
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